Much has actually changed! We relocated to Portland. We both have steady work now and I no longer have to work the long hours of a restaurant chef or the sporadic hours of a caterer.
We have a wonderful friend who nannies our children. She's Orthodox and a Serbian American.
What have I learned? This answer is harder to find. I have a spiritual father now, who I constantly avail to, much to his patience. I have learned that while life has different speeds, fast, slow, my learning and growth in Christ takes as long as it takes. I can not rush. I think I've let go of that idea. Being frustrated with myself and unforgiving of my own shortcomings does nothing for my spiritual growth.
I laughed the other day when I was telling Father about my struggles and he said the same thing as last time...," How old are you?", he said. I had to think for a moment and told him, almost 36. He smiled because I didn't get what his point was immediately. Someone else I recently spoke to, someone I highly respect in the ROCOR church, told me that it took him about 10 years after he converted to have a better sense of things, a more peaceful outlook on his growth. Father and this friend both understood that age and length of time from conversion (spiritual age) have alot to do with a person's personal experience in the faith, one with the struggles and the other with the overall way we deal with our failure.
We have all fallen short of the glory of God. The question for me is how I will deal with my sin. Will I allow it to overcome me, or will Christ overcome it. The good news which we hear every Pascha is that Christ has already overcome sin and death. This is true for the past, present and future. True for me for you and for everyone. All we have to do is live in Christ with whatever we can muster, every minute we can offer, praying unceasingly and with all honesty and humility, to realize this and allow Him to realize this in us.
I came back from Alaska with so many great pictures of nature. It was hard not to take a great shot even with my cheapo camera, because the beauty was everywhere. How I pray that I brought some of that back with me, in my heart. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done. And I made the strongest effort to avail myself to the mystery of God's will in that experience, that I had ever made. I felt changed by it. I can only hope it keeps coming through.
May the prayers of our Lady Theotokos, St. Germain and St. Herman be with you all this August 15 and 16th.
"I have learned that while life has different speeds, fast, slow, my learning and growth in Christ takes as long as it takes."
ReplyDeleteIsn't THAT the truth! I'm a writer, so I was thinking about this the other day from the perspective of plot. I was thinking that God's plots are so much more complex than ours. They have far more factors, and they work themselves out in ways the human imagination can never achieve. I think our best writers are those who are the greatest imitators of the Plot Master Himself.
Which is why, in real life, I keep waiting for the end of a "chapter" and some resolution to a plot line, and then remember that I'm not the one who decides when the chapter is finished.
I concur on all points! To add to that, I have observed that the Lord's timing often depends on those factors specifically because all involved are due for a change (blessing, lesson, etc...). When something good happens to my family, He usually has something in store for someone else and try as I might, His will governs all things. Oi! Thank God!
DeleteWhen we are attuned to His purpose, we can see this before it comes and be conscious participants in this? Although I am often getting in the way and therefore the lesson I am learning is more about trust and letting go, than about being conscious. God forgive me.