The Hair-Shirt Agenda

A child is born!

2012-01-26T14:51:00.000-08:00

On the morning of the 24th, Feast Day of St. Xenia of St. Petersburg, Aidan Patrick Strand was born to us. Ironically, just before we discovered that my wife was expecting, an icon of St. Xenia was given to us.

He is a healthy and happy baby who smiles often and tries constantly to hold his head up. We look forward to having him baptized in the church and wait in anticipation for his first taste of the Holy Eucharist.

Since we just covered St. Xenia, let us look to St. Aidan and discover this wonderful Irish monk-made-Bishop of the Northumbrian North. His life is recorded here. St. Aidan is a wonderful example of how Orthodox Christianity brings the teachings of Christ to people in their own way with love and patience. A wonderful miracle accounted in the Hagiography written by the Venerable Bede, is that Aidan breathed his last breath, leaning against a buttress beam of the church. This very beam survived two consequent burnings of the church and at the third, the beam was taken inside where many people reported miracles of healing from its veneration.

St Maximus the Confessor and St. Xenia of St. Petersburg

2012-01-23T19:47:00.000-08:00

January 21st/February 3rd

The world has many poor in spirit, but not in the right way; and many who mourn, but over money matters and loss of children; and many who are meek, but in the face of impure passions; and many who hunger and thirst, but to rob another's goods and to profit unjustly. And there are many who are merciful, but to the body and to its comforts; and clean of heart, but out of vanity; and peacemakers, but who subject the soul to the flesh; and many who suffer persecution, but because they are disorderly; many who are reproached, but for shameful sins. Instead, only those are blessed who do and suffer these things for Christ and following his example. For what reason? "Because theirs is the kingdom of heaven," and "they shall see God," and so forth. So that it is not because they do and suffer these things that they are blessed (since those just mentioned do the same), but because they do and suffer them for Christ and following his example.

- St. Maximus the Confessor, Four Hundred Chapters on Love, Third Century, #47

January 24th/February 6th

"Let your life so shine before men, that seeing your good works they may glorify your Father which is in Heaven."

Orthodoxy and Heterodoxy by Fr. Andrew Stephen Damick

2012-01-12T19:00:00.000-08:00

How about a book review?! It seems every other blog does it, so why not ours, eh?

After listening to another informative AFR podcast about 6 months ago by our dear Fr. Damick and was so impressed with the way he informs an audience while simultaneously entertaining them, that I thought I should check out his book once it came out. Boy, was I in for a treat!

Once I received the book, as a pre-Christmas present to myself, I proceeded to tear open the box and commence reading immediately. The next morning at 4am, before heading out the door for work, I chose to jump onto the corresponding podcast and download 3 episodes in the series. This became my routine, at night read the book, and in the morning listen to the podcast on my commute to work.

I know what you're thinking... and yes, I'll admit it. I overload, over-stimulate, over do it just about every time I find something I really, really like. But enough about me, back to the book!

Orthodoxy and Heterodoxy is great! It was packed with nuggets of meaty doctrinal concepts and yet short and sweet. Not a wordy book with too many words in it. (that's a joke)

Being a convert from a Protestant background with a severe love of the subject of world religions, I found this book a perfect accompaniment to my little library. I promise not to use it to thump people over the head with, though it gave a great case for the awesomeness of Orthodoxy. The chapter on Roman Catholicism was especially cool. It gave wonderfully enlightening info on the basic differences yet the end of the chapter informs the reader with a cautionary statement that there is a strong "Ressourcement" movement which emphasizes the importance of the Early Fathers. Glory to God for this! And, glory to God for this book!

For anyone that would like to have a mini-comparative religions course at their fingertips... for those who need to explain the difference between what the Orthodox Christian church teaches and what the modern denominations confess, Orthodoxy and Heterodoxy is just that kind of book! I give it the Hair-Shirt seal of approval.

Keep 'em coming Father!

To buy Father Andrew's book click here.

A Coal that Burns the Unworthy

2012-01-11T20:26:00.000-08:00

"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty." Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your iniquity is taken away and your sin purged." - Isaiah 6:5-6

Notice the shape of the censer in the above picture. Everything in the church is done with purpose. The bottom part of the Orthodox Christian censer is the shape of the Eucharistic cup. It signifies the womb of the Virgin Mary and the tomb which Christ's body was laid in. Within it, the coal signifies the very body and blood of Christ which is called here in Isaiah a "coal that burns the unworthy". Not to get too far off track, but the upper piece to the censer signifies the mantle of Heaven and as the smoke rises, it goes up to heaven. Just as our prayers rise to God from us, so Christ's own prayers rise with ours'.

The verse above tells us plainly that this coal which the Seraphim holds in his hands has the power to take away iniquity and purge sin from man. How direct this verse is, that it should point to something which would happen so long after.

What question should we have in our minds then as to the purpose of the Eucharist? It is truly the flesh and blood of Christ and is for our very salvation.

The verse also speaks of this coal burning the unworthy. Who are the unworthy? Isaiah was still with sin before it touched his lips, so it is not the sinful, for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)

The unworthy are those who, as the church has always taught, are not prepared for communion with God.

So what must we do to prepare for communion?

St. Peter says, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." (Acts 2:38)

And as believers, those who are baptized should also prepare with fasting and vigilance against the flesh, not only from food but from sinful things.

Let us therefor make every effort, no matter where we are on our path towards God, to do as St. Peter and Isaiah instruct us; Repent, and be made worthy. Let us lift up our hearts! Let us struggle. Let us taste and see, how good is the Lord. (Ps. 34:8)

Mystery and the Mundane

2012-01-10T09:15:00.000-08:00

The smell of incense fills the house shortly after our oldest daughter heads out the door for school in the morning. Something profound happens to me sometimes when I have a moment to myself. I sense a whiff of the perfumed chunks of resin at our prayer corner as I sip my coffee and turn on my laptop. Early in the morning, before I go to work I creep through the house to start the kettle and light the lampada. But on a day off, I stay a little longer.

There is no rush to go anywhere and the Holy Spirit nudges me to simply be in the moment. His presence, along with all our family saints, is stronger on days when I'm not going to work. And so I stand, there before the Icons. I read my morning prayers, checking my prayer book frequently to stay on track as I yawn and stretch extra low to wake the muscles in my sore back, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and fall to the ground to do another metanoia.

Thoughts of where my loved ones will be today, at school, at work, rise to my mind and I cross myself asking their patrons to watch over them; asking Christ to protect them and bring them home safely. This is not some dry, mundane ritual but an outpouring of my heart. Tears wash my eyes if I am lucky enough to have them. Contrition fills my words with something otherworldly, like honey dripping from each "Lord have mercy".
Again thoughts bubble to the surface about loved ones who need more help than our own family. Their names spill out into the ether and rise with the smoke from the coals to God.

This routine, every morning... sometimes it can be so dry, but not today. Today the Lord has touched my heart and opened my lips to bless Him. I cross myself for the last three times and the moment is gone. But still in my heart I hear it... Lord Jesus Christ (inhale) Son of God (exhale) have mercy on me (inhale) a sinner (exhale). The prayer vibrates again and again, slowly, rhythmically droning on in the background. He's still with me. I feel him calling me. He cups my heart with His hands and I am at peace, at least for now. Until I am distracted by the world again.

O Heavenly King, Comforter, Spirit of Truth...

Sects and Denominations

2012-01-09T17:36:00.000-08:00

Orthodox Christianity is not a denomination or a sect. It is the same church founded at Pentecost in the Book of Acts which held their first Council in Jerusalem. This much is true and while it can be argued, the arguments are pitiful.
I apologize for my bluntness on this subject but it has come up in several conversations that I have had over the last year.

When one speaks of the Orthodox Christian Church one must understand the definition of the word Orthodox. Orthodox means literally "right belief" and therefore the church maintains the right beliefs of the church taught throughout the centuries first by the Apostles and handed down to the present day.
One can discover this through a myriad of different ways but the facts remain the same.

One way which I have seen commonly used to understand this is in a person's conversion through simply studying the history of the Bible itself. The Scriptures as we know them have their source in the Greek Septuagint (the Greek translation of the Torah which was used during the time of Christ). The Septuagint was used primarily because most people were Greek speaking in the region. Most of the manuscripts existed primarily in Koine Greek. Now I am no Bible scholar and this is about where my knowledge of Biblical History stops, but in what I have just said it is plain to see that Hebrew was not the common language of the people and that while it may have been used liturgically, the Disciples of Christ did not choose to pass out leaflets on the corner (for lack of a printing press) but use the teachings which Christ had given them and the revelation of His life on Earth as their ministry.
Christ revealed the scriptures to His disciples in a new way and in this they were able to speak the Gospel not out of a book (for it had not been written yet)but from their heart and from memorization of the scriptures.

What is more is that it was not until nearly three-hundred years later that someone even mentioned forming a canon close to what we know it as today.

So how did Christianity exist in a standardized form for three hundred years? We find that Paul and Peter (among the others) traveled from place to place constantly encouraging the churches of the region. This continued with the Holy Fathers of the next generation and so on and this oral tradition became so important that when the time came to formulate a canon of scriptures, it was this very tradition (known as Holy Tradition) that they used to decide on which books to put in it and which to discard.

As I said, Orthodoxy is not a sect or a denomination. It is the very church handed down from the disciples throughout the centuries. With it are the faith, doctrine and theology which is held firmly within the mind of the church through tradition and confirmed by the scriptures.
This is why for us Orthodox, it is important to understand that our church is not some break-away sect who formed an opinionated position in regards to some doctrinal concept, but the very body of Christ which the Gates of Hades have not prevailed against.

Bundles of Joy

2012-01-07T18:30:00.000-08:00

A reoccurring question keeps popping up from people whenever they find out we are expecting another child. I can tell by the way they ask the question, "So how many kids do you plan on having?" that what they really want to ask is why in the world we are having them in the first place. To the eyes of our society One is fine. Two is ok. Three???? Four?! So when will you stop having kids?!

A good and very wise friend of mine once said, in regards to having babies... "Good! More light! More LIFE!"
I chuckled at it at first but it has stuck with me... it has become my own little inner response which, when I'm asked the question "So how many kids are you having?", I tell myself this to keep from smacking them upside the head.

I've become increasingly aware of how backwards our society is. It is sick. We focus on work, buying stuff, getting a house, entertaining ourselves, showcasing, "peacocking" the latest trends, yadda yadda yadda! UGH! Its sick, and I'm guilty of it too.

We live in a society where children are looked upon as a burden to our pocketbooks and a responsibility that is increasingly becoming the butt of jokes.

I heard one today... not a funny one, but to share it anyway this guy I was working with called his cousin's family the Brady Bunch to describe them in a snarky manner. Why? Because he couldn't fathom why some people would want to have six children. How can you have your own jet ski or border horse when you have to feed all those mouths?
Really!

I may not enjoy every single moment with my children, and sometimes I need alone time, but I am grateful for my experience in having children and have become more of a man because of them.
Having someone who needs you to set aside your own desires, your own wants, sometimes even your own needs (remembering the many skipped meals, potty breaks and sleepless nights*) is good and even healthy. We are selfish humans who need others to force us out of our comfort zones to give of ourselves beyond our normal measure. This is a step in the direction of Godliness. How do I know this? Because Jesus Christ asks us to give of ourselves beyond our measure, to love our enemies, to give the extra coat we have to someone else, to treat others as we wish to be treated and to show mercy to those who would do us harm. I trust that although I am a selfish person who only wishes to fulfill my own wishes, as I give to my children and give without caring for my own wants, they are teaching me how to give and the Lord is blessing my house and my soul.

May the mercy and peace of Christ be with you all this Theophany Feast! And may you all be blessed by those whom you love.

On Spiritual Fathers

2012-01-05T18:23:00.000-08:00

The Three Gifts of the Spiritual Father

Three gifts in particular distinguish the spiritual father. The first is insight and discernment (diakrisis), the ability to perceive intuitively the secrets of another’s heart, to understand the hidden depths of which the other is unaware. The spiritual father penetrates beneath the conventional gestures and attitudes whereby we conceal our true personality from others and from ourselves; and beyond all these trivialities, he comes to grips with the unique person made in the image and likeness of God. This power is spiritual rather than psychic; it is not simply a kind of extra-sensory perception or a sanctified clairvoyance but the fruit of grace, presupposing concentrated prayer and an unremitting ascetic struggle.

With this gift of insight there goes the ability to use words with power. As each person comes before him, the starets knows—immediately and specifically—what it is that the individual needs to hear. Today, we are inundated with words, but for the most part these are conspicuously not words uttered with power. [12] The starets uses few words, and sometimes none at all; but by these few words or by his silence, he is able to alter the whole direction of a man’s life. At Bethany, Christ used three words only: “Lazarus, come out” (John 11:43) and these three words, spoken with power, were sufficient to bring the dead back to life. In an age when language has been disgracefully trivialized, it is vital to rediscover the power of the word; and this means rediscovering the nature of silence, not just as a pause between words but as one of the primary realities of existence. Most teachers and preachers talk far too much; the starets is distinguished by an austere economy of language.

But for a word to possess power, it is necessary that there should be not only one who speaks with the genuine authority of personal experience, but also one who listens with attention and eagerness. If someone questions a starets out of idle curiosity, it is likely that he will receive little benefit; but if he approaches the starets with ardent faith and deep hunger, the word that he hears may transfigure his being. The words of the startsi are for the most part simple in verbal expression and devoid of literary artifice; to those who read them in a superficial way, they will seem jejune and banal.

The spiritual father’s gift of insight is exercised primarily through the practice known as “disclosure of thoughts” (logismoi). In early Eastern monasticism the young monk used to go daily to his father and lay before him all the thoughts which had come to him during the day. This disclosure of thoughts includes far more than a confession of sins, since the novice also speaks of those ideas and impulses which may seem innocent to him, but in which the spiritual father may discern secret dangers or significant signs. Confession is retrospective, dealing with sins that have already occurred; the disclosure of thoughts, on the other hand, is prophylactic, for it lays bare our logismoi before they have led to sin and so deprives them of their, power to harm. The purpose of the disclosure is not juridical, to secure absolution from guilt, but self-knowledge, that each may see himself as he truly is. [13]

Endowed with discernment, the spiritual father does not merely wait for a person to reveal himself, but shows to the other thoughts hidden from him. When people came to St. Seraphim of Sarov, he often answered their difficulties before they had time to put their thoughts before him. On many occasions the answer at first seemed quite irrelevant, and even absurd and irresponsible; for what St. Seraphim answered was not, the question his visitor had consciously in mind, but the one he ought to have been asking. In all this St. Seraphim relied on the inward light of the Holy Spirit. He found it important, he explained, not to work out in advance hat he was going to say; in that case, his words would represent merely his own human judgment which might well be in error, and not the judgment of God.

In St. Seraphim’s eyes, the relationship between starets and spiritual child is stronger than death, and he therefore urged his children to continue their disclosure of thoughts to him even after his departure to the next life. These are the words which, by his on command, were written on his tomb: “When I am dead, come to me at my grave, and the more often, the better. Whatever is on your soul, whatever may have happened to you, come to me as when I was alive and, kneeling on the ground, cast all your bitterness upon my grave. Tell me everything and I shall listen to you, and all the bitterness will fly away from you. And as you spoke to me when I was alive, do so now. For I am living, and I shall be forever.”

The second gift of the spiritual father is the ability to love others and to make others’ sufferings his own. Of Abba Poemen, one of the greatest of the Egyptian gerontes, it is briefly and simply recorded: “He possessed love, and many came to him.” [14] He possessed love—this is indispensable in all spiritual fatherhood. Unlimited insight into the secrets of men’s hearts, if devoid of loving compassion, would not be creative but destructive; he who cannot love others will have little power to heal them.

Loving others involves suffering with and for them; such is the literal sense of compassion. “Bear one anothers burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). The spiritual father is ‘the one who par excellence bears the burdens of others. “A starets”, writes Dostoevsky in The Brothers Karamazov, “is one who takes your soul, your will, unto his soul and his will.... ” It is not enough for him to offer advice. He is also required to take up the soul of his spiritual children into his own soul, their life into his life. It is his task to pray for them, and his constant intercession on their behalf is more important to them than any words of counsel. [15] It is his task likewise to assume their sorrows and their sins, to take their guilt upon himself, and to answer for them at the Last Judgment.

All this is manifest in a primary document of Eastern spiritual direction, the Books of Varsanuphius and John, embodying some 850 questions addressed to two elders of 6th-century Palestine, together with their written answers. “As God Himself knows,” Varsanuphius insists to his spiritual children, “there is not a second or an hour when I do not have you in my mind and in my prayers ... I care for you more than you care for yourself ... I would gladly lay down my life for you.” This is his prayer to God: “O Master, either bring my children with me into Your Kingdom, or else wipe me also out of Your book.” Taking up the theme of bearing others’ burdens, Varsanuphius affirms: “I am bearing your burdens and your offences ... You have become like a man sitting under a shady tree ... I take upon myself the sentence of condemnation against you, and by the grace of Christ, I will not abandon you, either in this age or in the Age to Come.” [16]

Readers of Charles Williams will be reminded of the principle of ‘substituted love,’ which plays a central part in Descent into Hell.The same line of thought is expressed by Dostoevsky’s starets Zosima: “There is only one way of salvation, and that is to make yourself responsible for all men’s sins... To make yourself responsible in all sincerity for everything and for everyone.” The ability of the starets to support and strengthen others is measured by his willingness to adopt this way of salvation.

Yet the relation between the spiritual father and his children is not one-sided. Though he takes the burden of their guilt upon himself and answers for them before God, he cannot do this effectively unless they themselves are struggling wholeheartedly for their own salvation. Once a brother came to St. Antony of Egypt and said: “Pray for me.” But the Old Man replied: “Neither will I take pity on you nor will God, unless you make some effort of your own.” [17]

When considering the love of a starets for those under his care, it is important to give full meaning to the word “father” in the title “spiritual father”. As father and offspring in an ordinary family should be joined in mutual love, so it must also be within the “charismatic” family of the starets. It is primarily a relationship in the Holy Spirit, and while the wellspring of human affection is not to be unfeelingly suppressed, it must be contained within bounds. It is recounted how a young monk looked after his elder, who was gravely ill, for twelve years without interruption. Never once in that period did his elder thank him or so much as speak one word of kindness to him. Only on his death-bed did the Old Man remark to the assembled brethren, “He is an angel and not a man.” [18] The story is valuable as an indication of the need for spiritual detachment, but such an uncompromising suppression of all outward tokens of affection is not typical of the Sayings of the Desert Fathers, still less of Varsanuphius and John.

A third gift of the spiritual father is the power to transform the human environment, both the material and the non-material. The gift of healing, possessed by so many of the startsi, is one aspect of this power: More generally, the starets helps his disciples to perceive the world as God created it and as God desires it once more to be. “Can you take too much joy in your Father’s works?” asks Thomas Traherne. “He is Himself in everything.” The true starets is one who discerns this universal presence of the Creator throughout creation, and assists others to discern it. In the words of William Blake, “If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything will appear to man as it is, infinite.” For the man who dwells in God, there is nothing mean and trivial: he sees everything in the light of Mount Tabor. “What is a merciful heart?” inquires St. Isaac the Syrian. “It is a heart that burns with love for ‘the whole of creation—for men, for the birds, for the beasts, for the demons, for every, creature. When a man with such a heart as this thinks of the creatures or looks at them, his eyes are filled with tears; An overwhelming compassion makes his heart grow! small and weak, and he cannot endure to hear or see any suffering, even the smallest pain, inflicted upon any creature. Therefore he never ceases to pray, with tears even for the irrational animals, for the enemies of truth, and for those who do him evil, asking that they may be guarded and receive God’s mercy. And for the reptiles also he prays with a great compassion, which rises up endlessly in his heart until he shines again and is glorious like God.”’ [19]

An all-embracing love, like that of Dostoevsky’s starets Zosima, transfigures its object, making the human environment transparent, so that the uncreated energies of God shine through it. A momentary glimpse of what this transfiguration involves is provided by the celebrated conversation between St. Seraphim of Sarov and Nicholas Motovilov, his spiritual child. They were walking in the forest one winter’s day and St. Seraphim spoke of the need to acquire the Holy Spirit. This led Motovilov to ask how a man can know with certainty that he is “in the Spirit of God':

Then Fr. Seraphim took me very firmly by the shoulders and said: “My son, we are both, at this moment in the Spirit of God. Why don’t you look at me?”
“I cannot look, Father,” I replied, “because your eyes are flashing like lightning. Your face has become brighter than the sun, and it hurts my eyes to look, at you.”
“Don’t be afraid,” he said. “At this very moment you have yourself become as bright as I am. You are yourself in the fullness of the Spirit of God at this moment; otherwise you would not be able to see me as you do... but why, my son, do you not look me iii the eyes? Just look, and don’t be afraid; the Lord is with us.”
After these words I glanced at his face, and there came over me an even greater reverent awe. Imagine in the center of the sun, in the dazzling light of its mid-day rays, the face of a man talking to you. You see the movement of his lips and the changing expression of his eyes and you hear his voice, you feel someone holding your shoulders, yet you do not see his hands, you do not even see yourself or his body, but only a blinding light spreading far around for several yards and lighting up with its brilliance the snow-blanket which covers the forest glade and the snowflakes which continue to fall unceasingly [20].

From: Bishop Kallistos Ware
http://orthodoxinfo.com/praxis/spiritualfather.aspx

A Contrite Heart

2012-01-04T09:32:00.000-08:00

Within the Psalm 51 we read "Create in me a clean heart O God and renew a right spirit within me."
What is this "right spirit" which the beloved king and psalmist writes of?
Contrition.

Contrition is the very fire which develops over the course of one's own spiritual life. It is the experiential energy which pours forth from the heart in prayer. Contrition is the deep awareness, a conscious observance (notice the action words) of one's own state. It is a balanced awareness of both our fallen state and our connection to God.

As a Christian we are aware of our sinfulness and yet we are participating in the Holiness of God's glory. We, through prayer, come into communion with God our creator and experience His energies working in and through us. Sometimes, as if in glimpses of our coming and future life, we are given the blessing of tears. These tears should not be confused with tears of repentance, but in fact they are a mingling of both these and tears of joy. Our tears are the shedding of our former self (that "Old Man") and an anointing of the Spirit.

"Remembering a sin we have committed does not mean that the sin has not been forgiven. This remembrance of our sins is only a warning to us lest we become proud and sin again. In fact we - not God - are the ones who can not forgive ourselves." - Elder Thaddeus

The Blessed Repose of St Seraphim of Sarov - Jan 2nd

2012-01-02T09:05:00.000-08:00

This day is a very special day in the Orthodox Christian Church. St. Seraphim went to the Lord on this day. This man is a shining example of how humanity may acquire the Holy Spirit in this life, not waiting for the next.

"A sign of spiritual life is the immersion of a person within himself and the hidden workings within his heart."

On the Theme of Relationships

2011-12-25T11:39:00.000-08:00

Mumford & Sons : Little Lion Man

I recently heard a song by Mumford & Sons which can only be called the theme song to my life. Why? Well, I'll explain:

First, the Title : Little Lion Man

I have always considered my temperament akin to a lion's; even born in the astrological sign of Leo (not that I believe in that sort of stuff), and the fact that as a Rasta I was known as Judah Lion by most people for years. This name was given to me by someone else coincidentally.

Then there is the Banjo and Mandolin which play at a rapid pace, keeping tempo for the rest of the song
which break-necks until the chorus. Bluegrass instruments have always had an appeal to me. They resound in my heart like a call back to some distant ancestor from Ireland or England, living in some remote Californian settlement during the Gold Rush era. I'm not sure exactly why, but I've always felt in my heart a certain twinge for the music of my forefathers.

Lastly, the lyrics, which lately have taken on a different meaning but still within the same context as before...

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really messed it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my...

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble Little Lion Man,
You'll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days Biting your own neck

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really messed it up this time
Didn't I, my dear? (x2)

Didn't I, my dear?

Ahhhhh......

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really messed it up this time
Didn't I, my dear? (x2)

Didn't I, my dear?

I could comment on how I relate to each line in every verse and chorus, but I won't.
I am a terrible sinner, who has been known to cause great agony to the ones closest to me, throughout my life. I have struggled to understand this side of myself, which causes chaos in the hearts of my loved ones. It's not like I seek to hurt, but by my lack of action, my lack of attention to the little things, consideration for the ones I love in the small moments where I have the opportunity to do something to show them I love them; in this I am gravely in error.

Something I have come to know about my personality, (a side I do not like to admit), is that I am terrible at acknowledging the feelings of others. This lack of empathy makes them feel invalidated, and even after I notice it, most of the time I allow it to persist.

Instead of defending, I will gladly admit all this about myself. But how do I change it? What is it that I must do? Prayer is not enough. It is said that God does His best work in those who are willing to cooperate, and so I am willing. I pray that I can be a better husband, father, friend, coworker, employee, son, brother, on a regular basis.

My wife recently said to me that she never asked me to admit my flaws, but that she needed me to consider her more. At first hearing, I found this a strange comment. But at further examination I am discovering that admitting one's own character defects is only a personal observance to be carried out for one's self; this is a much needed yet selfish exercise.

What my wife was looking for was actual results that proved that I consider her. Now here's the kicker... Was she looking for it with expectations to find it? Were her expectations realistic and grounded in things I have done in the past? Or were they in ways which I would not meet anyway, because I have never been the type of person to do those things which she expected?

I don't have the answers. I am hopelessly unromantic and terribly selfish. All I feel I can do at this point is pray that the Lord will enlighten me, not only to the awareness of my flaws, but how to change them into strengths. I am a pitiful soul who needs much prayer, so if you read this, please pray. A man in this much sorrow, so deeply affecting the lives of others and inadvertently causing pain, is a sad, sad case for a human being.

Uuuugh! Time for some patristic wisdom from my spiritual father. Any other Priests out there who happen to read this are gratefully welcome to enter a comment below.

The Rite (right) of Marriage

2011-12-15T20:56:00.000-08:00

The issue of gay marriage in this country is a big one, a political one. Everyone has an opinion and I have definitely tried to figure out mine in this whole mess. Long and hard I have thought about my particular opinion, wavering back and forth as the issue is deliberated by people much smarter than I.

For the most part I have thought that this is a matter that the church should take up. But it already has.

And I would love it if everyone would simply just let people live how they are going to on the matter, but the question keeps rising in the back of my mind... How will this affect the world my children are growing up in?

Let's play the scenario out for a minute.
If Gay Marriage is allowed federally, and people who choose an LGBT lifestyle begin marrying more often, eventually it will become common-place to see more married gay couples. It's inevitable.

Many people use the excuse that it doesn't hurt anybody, even if we don't agree with it.

First off, its an influence on society at large and on children in specific.
Secondly, we treat many other types of sins (in this country) which do not hurt any one else, much differently. If a man is caught urinating in public it is a misdemeanor. If a person is caught exposing himself to someone else, it is a crime of public indecency and in some states an offender faces steep fines and time in jail.

Let's go back to what I said previously and clarify. Gay Marriage (and public display of homosexuality) is an influence on society in general and children specifically. Being a parent, and a Christian in America I am faced with a challenge I actually wish I wasn't faced with. I have to decide how to effect the world around my children in a way which is according to my faith. Now this is nothing new and some people would attest that this is what our country was founded on. I will not debate that. But I would say that when I look at a near-present future where society at large accepts homosexuality as a completely normal manifestation of humanity, void of every stain, "natural", I have to take a step back and say when things are not o.k.

Here is two very different people on the subject...

Brian Brown from the NOM would like to add an amendment into the constitution that explicitly prohibits homosexuals from marrying one another. He would even like to take it a step further than that by outlawing the marriages that have already been validated by the states that have legalized it.

Now Republican Presidential Candidate Sen. Ron Paul, on the other hand, would like to keep the issue out of the Federal arena, or even the State legislature. He believes in putting the power back into the people's hands and trusting the moral guidelines that each person sets for themselves. Basically he's an optimist who believes in the basic human goodness in everyone. A modern-day Pelagius.

Here's my issue with this - Recently in Russia they have been working on an anti-gay propaganda bill which would fine groups and individuals for public actions aimed at propaganda of pederasty, lesbianism, bisexuality, transgenderism among minors. In other words those gay-rights parades and other such things would be prohibited. The reason as Russians who back the bill see it, is that they want to steer their country in a morally sound way, towards the church and in favor of the family.

Russia has two things currently going for it in this area, 1.) It has a waning population and therefore the government wants to support population growth. 2.) Russia is primarily an Orthodox Christian country and it's citizens therefore think about right and wrong like we think about freedom and enslavement. America's Congress and Senate are always at odds fighting over the rights, freedom and liberty of our citizens. Right and wrong to the American is a question of whether or not someone is free to do the things they wish to do without infringement of others (be it government or person). Food for thought.

I leave you, the reader, with this...

What are we? Christians steering a world as best we can to please the Lord? or self-serving individuals who seek to refine their definition of freedom and pursue our "Liberty"? Are we to manifest the Lord's Will or our own destiny? Are we in the world or of it?

(+I know this is a sensitive topic and I apologize if it offends anyone. It is not my intent. Just a blog, a rant and a sinner trying to work out his salvation and make sense of the world. Please forgive me any offenses.+)

The Meaning of Christmas

2011-12-12T12:32:00.000-08:00

Within the depth of the Orthodox Christian faith lies simple meanings sometimes referred to as "types" or "prefigurations" which are a prophetic parallel to something which has come or is to come. It is a way of understanding the scriptures which sheds light on them and unveils their hidden meaning. It is the very understanding which, once revealed to the apostles gave them insight to proclaim the truth of the prophets of old and defend the faith with strength and knowledge. This is the very way which Christ opened up the Torah to His disciples.
With this way of reading the Bible, the littlest details of the Nativity in the Synoptic Gospels become images.
The cave our Lord was born in becomes our own souls, which are once barren and then filled with the Light of the World. The womb of the Virgin Mary becomes the fountain of Life as she gives birth to the Creator of Life. Even the wise men who sought Him out bring Him Frankincense (incense used for prayer), Myrrh (used to anoint the dead) and Gold (the finest quality metal to reflect light). These objects are types for the life of a Christian who cries out to God and is transformed through the death of the Old Man to reflect the Light of God.
And so with all the scriptures this typology reveals new explanations for the stories of the past. Typology is revealed through the Divine Services of the Orthodox Church. It is present in the appointed readings of the day and especially present on and around the special feast days of the church. On Christmas Eve the Orthodox Christian is therefore experiencing a timeless observation of the very night of the Nativity of Christ. He is transported to that very night. The priest himself looks down on the blessed Lamb, there on the Diskos, with the Star, as if it were the Star of Bethlehem which shone down on the Christ child. The Altar itself becomes the place where Heaven becomes a cave and a cave becomes Heaven. The chanting of the prayers becomes the very songs of the Angels as we sing... Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God of Sabaoth, Heaven and Earth are full of Thy glory. Hosanna in the highest! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest!

Fr. Valery Lukianov writes: Orthodox Christians who pray in church during Liturgy on the great and joyful feast of Christ's Nativity, are likewise transported to far-away Bethlehem, to that holy night which, even after almost two thousand years, is kept in remembrance by the praying heart.

What do we first hear in the glad tidings of this great Feast? the voice of the angel saying, "Fear not, for I bring you tidings of great joy which shall be for all people" (Luke 2:10). And then we contemplate that wondrous union of heaven and earth in the appearance of the multitude of heavenly host, the angels glorifying God in the jubilant Nativity hymn, "Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, good will among men"

Further we see how the King of heaven and earth, the Creator and Master of the world, reveals to us meekness--in the extreme poverty of His earthly estate; humility --in the lowliness of the cave; and peace and love--in the quiet radiance that shines forth from Him. Indeed, here is that "Gentle Light," that "holy glory"...

The Nativity of Christ--is this not the wondrous threshold of the earthly ministry of our Saviour? Is it not the first step in His ascent of Golgotha to take upon Himself the frightful sufferings on the Cross for the redemption of the sins of mankind?

Is this not the first intimation of the forthcoming, glorious Resurrection from the dead? The Nativity of Christ is the beginning of victory over spiritual death, for through the Saviour's advent upon earth, there are prepared heavenly mansions for all men of "good will".

Merry Christmas and Happy Nativity! Christ has descended, from Heaven to Earth!

Conversion

2011-12-11T16:32:00.000-08:00

It would be difficult to put my whole conversion into words, let alone a blog... but I want so dearly to express what I have found in the Orthodox Christian faith. Recently certain family members, quite a few actually, have expressed their desire to begin seeking God. I can not say I am surprised because I have prayed long and hard for this and I trust that God seeks out His own whenever He can. He loves to bless us with His mercy and answer the prayers of His children, however unworthy we are of His grace.

If I tried to contain my thoughts and feelings into words, about what I have experienced as an Orthodox Christian, how this life has taken on such new meaning... how love for God has been given to this lowly soul and His light permeates my being... How experiential our Holy faith is... I can not. All I can say is, "O taste and see that the Lord is good!" (Psalm 34:8)

The truth of Christianity is that one must be ready to accept truth. Until that time, it falls on deaf ears.(Matt. 11:15) We must leave all preconceived notions at the door and simply knock. One must be made ready through suffering, experience of separation, family trials, death, and humility before one can accept truth. Orthodoxy affords one the ability to come to a new understanding of suffering and therefore a new understanding of our relationship to God. What else matters more than our own relationship to God? There is nothing more important than coming to an active and vivifying knowledge of God. This gnosis is not static. It is life giving and medicinal. Our merciful God created His holy church not as an institution to uphold merely certain doctrinal decrees, but as a hospital for the sick, the suffering, the infirmed. (Matt. 9:12-13)

What I am trying to convey is that the church of Christ is a very real place; ready with open doors to take in the sinful soul and assist in healing, and bring one to a true relationship with her creator. The church is in fact the very real extension of the grace of God, made physical as if it were Heaven on Earth! It is the place where mankind can go for the healing of mind, body and soul; where one can find sainthood not just in the world to come but here and now! Christ did not come to merely tell us about what is to come in the next life but to transform us from the old man to the new. (Eph. 4:24) It is in fact our destiny (if we should accept Him) to become living Icons (images) of God for we were made in the image and likeness of God. The church offers the restorative abilities, sacraments, to us as prescriptions for our illness. How then can we turn away from these sacraments, calling them mere symbols of our faith?

How I wish to express all this and more to my dear family. How I wish to give them all the experiences I have had in our church. Instead I am left with my prayers and hopes... awaiting the day that Christ will guide them. I trust He is doing His great work. And I hope that if in some small way there is opportunity through my own sinful heart, the Lord can show them what I (sometimes only I) can see going on behind the scenes, in my own spiritual life. Because He has truly given me a new life and a new heart, though it may be still sinful it is truly changed and changed because He resides in it. His holy body and blood have given me a life I thirst for and can get nowhere else than within the doors of the very church He established here on Earth!

Christ raising Adam and Eve from their tombs as He is resurrected. "Trampling down death by death and in the tombs bestowing life."~ from the Paschal Hymn

Prayer of a Penitent

2011-12-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

...and they woke Him up saying, Lord, save us! We are perishing!"

My heart goeth unto Thee O Lord and with it all my cares. As wind doth blow and toss me with torment I keep my eyes a-glare. Send peace and calm the raging storms for if not I shall die. But die I will and gladly so that I could spend with Thine. Yet give me one more day to beg of Thee and cry aloud, for man is nothing good unless he is not proud.

*icon from theprinteryhouse.org

St Nicholas the Patron Saint of ... Boxers?

2011-12-06T20:54:00.000-08:00

Around this time of year every blogger in the Orthodox Christian "blogosphere" will be writing about St. Nicholas. It's inevitable! Who besides Christ Himself is so famous as St. Nicholas? Of course here in the West and Far West we think of him as a roly-poly fat guy who over-indulges on warm milk and cookies left by thoughtful children before they drift off to slumber, but hey, either way St. Nicholas is a part of our traditions however milk-toast they have become.
My personal favorite tale, be it true or not, is the story of Ol' Nick at the Ecumenical Council of Nicea in 325AD. He was so frustrated at the heresies coming from the mouth of Arius that he slapped, hit, punched or otherwise knocked him out! To that extent, he was shut into a cell that night, stripped of his priestly vestments and on his way to certain excommunication when the Virgin Mary visited him in his cell. So kind was she that she gave him some new vestments. In the morning the guards saw and told the others, who after listening more to Arius thought better of Nicholas' defense and set him free. St. Nicholas was finally vindicated in the end (another story) and survives as one of the most warmly venerated saints of the church next to the Theotokos.

Holy Saint Nicholas of Myra, pray for our souls.

Location, Location, Relocation?!!!!

2011-12-05T14:39:00.000-08:00

Sorry to have been a way for such a long while! As you may have heard we've moved to Portland... all I can say about this is WHEW! EXHAUSTED!!
So now that we are finally settling in here, I'll try to post a few updates soon to make up for lost time. :)

Recently my family celebrated our Slava. A Slava is a Serbian traditional feast day to honor the personal patron saint of the family.

Right now you are probably wondering, "I thought you were a convert??" Yes, but being that we are Orthodox and of course as Americans we have only shallow roots of our own, we have chosen to adopt a few which are further steeped in tradition. Aren't we, after all, now a part of a much bigger family? Are we not now one in Christ and therefore able to live new lives, rich with the culture that one can only find within the family of Christ?

On this Happy Day, our Slava, the Feast of St. Andrew the Apostle and First-Called it is a feast that we should look to in remembrance of Christ and His saint... how St. Andrew confessed the faith honestly and with love, how he died unashamedly for his love of Christ-God our Savior.

Listen to a podcast about St. Andrew - from Fr. Thomas Hopko

Tomb of Philip the Apostle?

2011-08-08T09:29:00.000-07:00

The possible tomb of Saint Philip. Credit: Courtesy of Institute of Archaeological Heritage

The tomb of Saint Philip, one of the 12 apostles of Jesus Christ, might have been unearthed in southwestern Turkey, according to Italian archaeologists who have been excavating the area for decades.

Francesco D'Andria, director of the Institute of Archaeological Heritage, Monuments and Sites at Italy's National Research Council in Lecce, found the burial after intensive geophysical research at the World Heritage Site of Hierapolis, now called Pamukkale.

“It was believed that the tomb of St. Philip was on Martyrs’ Hill, but we found no traces of him in that area," D’Andria said. "The tomb emerged as we excavated a fifth century church 40 meters away from the church dedicated to the saint on Martyrs’ Hill.”

According to D'Andria, the grave was moved from its previous location in the St. Philip Church to the new church in the Bizantine era.

The alleged apostle's tomb, which has not yet been opened, is at the center of some controversy. The finding is mainly based on an apocryphal fourth-century text called the Acts of Philip, which is not recognized by the Catholic Church.

Not much is known about Philip. Born in Bethsaida on the northern shore of the Sea of Galilee, he is often confused with Philip the Evangelist.

Apart from his inclusion in the list of the twelve apostles, much information comes from the Gospel of John, where he is described as one of the first followers of Jesus.

The gospel mentions him in connection with the miraculous feeding of the five thousand and with Jesus' discourse at the Last Supper.

Outside of the New Testament, it’s the apocryphal Acts of Philip which traces the history of the saint.

From African to Western Rite Foolery

2011-08-03T15:03:00.000-07:00

His Imperial Majesty Haile Selassie I

I came into the church in a very round 'a' bout way. My heart had been drawn to Orthodoxy from it's African roots, as I had been studying heavily on the Solomonic Dynasty which is present in Ethiopia. Why was I even interested in African Emperors? Well, Rastafari was for me a way to combine what I believed was Natural Law with the teachings of the Gospel. Rasta allowed me to understand things about my relationship as a man, with God, Life and all of Creation. It helped me to unravel the personality of Jesus Christ as fully god and fully man. Christ was no longer some impersonal idea but a true, historical person and His life was an actual event. But I was confused as to whether His Majesty, due to his blood-lineage and historical love for his fellow man, made him Christ or not. I chose to believe in my folly, that Haile Sellassie was Jesus Christ incarnate in His Second Coming. What astonished me most and definitely was the beginning of my conversion, was obtaining a copy of My Life and Ethiopia's Progress, His Majesty Haile Selassie's autobiography. For within the pages of this book, I read for myself that this great King gave all of his glory and value to Jesus Christ and His Holy Church, the Ethiopian Orthodox Church.

Seattle bound, I vowed to seek out a Tewahedo Orthodox Church and get to the bottom of this new information. I could think of nothing else. My heart cried out in agony at the thought of feeling so close to knowing the truth of God and yet being so far removed from it.
After much seeking I found only an empty chapel filled with votive candles, African icons and Roman Catholic statues, (a small chapel shared by Latin Catholics and an Ethiopian congregation). I prayed, lit a candle for the first time, wept bitterly and left. Disheartened, I traveled back to my little town in the Southern Oregon mountains with no hope. I cried for days. I couldn't work. I couldn't do anything but pray.

One day, like any other for me back then, I walked my five mile hike to the General Store to have a cup of coffee. George was a curly grey-haired, honest, hardworking man, at that time in his 50's. He managed the general store and on occasions would speak roughly to a foul-mouthed teen. Telling them to shut up or leave the store as firmly yet respectfully as he could was not unheard of. I liked him. His gate was wobbly, as he had an orthopedic shoe to assist him, from a past hip surgery. He carried himself through the General Store as if he owned the place, and for a time I thought he did. George and I were sitting on the bench outside when I told him of my recent journey to Seattle to find a local Ethiopian Orthodox Church. His only words after listening intently to my long sob-story were, "I am Orthodox. I am an Orthodox Priest..."

St. Germain of Auxerre, Paris
+576AD

When one has been on a life long journey, looking for something like this, and they finally find it, well unless you've been there it's hard to imagine what it is like. One could suppose that there would be nothing left but some blissful state of Nirvana. Nothing left to do but die? Nope. A million questions flew through my head like when you drive in a blizzard and you can see nothing in front of you but the white-out snowflakes against the grey background which is really just more snowflakes. This was happening inside my head, not only questions but ideas rushing at me. A fire was kindled in my heart where there was barely a spark left. I spiritually died in Seattle only to be raised from the dead back home. And the new home I found was in a Western Rite Orthodox Church, from French tradition no less!

In a little, tiny Oregon town, far removed from the fast-paced life of the city, God not only found me but had been preparing me to enter His church. He had been preparing this kind priest and his wife. He had even prepared every step in my life up to that point, so that when I finally heard about the Orthodox Church, I would readily accept the truth.

I knew nothing of this strange spiritual land I had encountered other than, that every question I wanted to ask, was answered simply and completely, rationally.I had come before a great Oracle, with humility and reverence. All I needed now was the courage to stay on the path and continue searching for the truth.

I prayed. I attended many services that first year. I studied.

Oh how I studied! It was as if I couldn't get enough! The church was not like anything I had experienced before. Every answer began with simple statements like, "According to the earliest writings...", or "The Church has always maintained that...", etc. Before me stood two thousand years of historical tradition. Orthodoxy could contend with any faith that called itself Christian or any belief that claimed authority and would win. Who can argue with a direct Apostolic lineage when speaking on the faith?Interpretations of modern preachers had nothing on the Holy Fathers of the church (Acts 9:5-6) I was confounded by the new knowledge of these ancient Ecumenical Councils, I had never heard of. The Gospel became brand new. I learned that the rich history of the church was actually preserved and progressed, rather than dropping off into some "Great Apostasy" as some hold to. Heresy after heresy attacked the Church's teachings and they would all fall away. What strikes me now is the awareness that many of these same heresies still exist, constantly nipping at the heals of the great Orthodox Christian Church. They come in new forms in our modern era, but still sound the same underneath. Most of them still challenge the doctrine of the Trinity, or the Nature of Christ and His relations to God the Father or Man.

Most of all, learning and living the Orthodox life as a young catechumen, I was beginning to understand how to love God. Loving God comes on His terms, not on our own. I had come to a point of willingness, where I could finally accept the words so hard to understand. (Acts 9:5-6) Christ never minced words with His apostles. He speaks clearly and concisely, eg: "Unless you eat of my flesh and drink of my blood..." and "I and the Father are one." I always stumbled over these points. I also stumbled over the faith of my youth, raised as a Baptist.

There were questions laying dormant within me that had never really been put into words. What was beginning to take shape as I learned how to fast and pray, was a desire to actually live every day as a Christian, rather than always struggling to know my identity. I had in fact found my identity in Christ. His life was becoming my own.

As with everything in life, at first I over-indulged with Orthodoxy. By nature I'm a shamefully passionate person. Like a fool I rush into things. But by His hands, the Lord has softened my edges. He has taught me through our beautiful faith that all good things take time. Orthodoxy is not a Pop-faith of the moment. She is the Christian church existing throughout the centuries and a bastion of holiness, Heaven on Earth, and the gates of Hades have not prevailed against Her (Matt. 16:18).

The Transcendental Trap

2011-08-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: This note is to explain the views of one person, based on years of practical experience and study of religions and faith, while attempting miserably to find the truth. The meditation practices described here-in are not recommended by the writer, and may be considered harmful to the soul. The author of this note believes that appropriate spiritual guidance from an Orthodox Christian priest is highly advised in matters of the soul. Please do not try these things at home.

Years ago, about 15 years now and before I began my journey through Rasta and into Orthodoxy, I was very lost and searching for something to fill my life. I had a hole in my being that I had known since I was a child, that could not be filled with any amount of distraction. I'm not so sure that everyone is the same in this, being aware of some unfulfilled part of themself, but this is how it was for me. My life was filled with a pain that I could neither explain nor fully admit. On the surface I seemed happy.

I had come out of a drug-addled slumber from my "tween" to teen years (12 to 19 yrs. old) and into a new phase of life. Seeking the one who had saved me from drug addiction and placed me on a road towards a normal life became my increasing passion.

As time went on, and I came to feel that ever-nagging emptiness, I searched in writings and practices of different religions. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I would not be able to ever have peace unless I stopped looking at these religious practices from an outsider's perspective. I had to delve deeper and find out why I could not relate to the experiences I read about in books. There were many different experiences that seemed miraculous, The Sufi Dervish and his complete submission to Universal presence...

"There is a way between voice and presence

where information flows.

In disciplined silence it opens.

With wandering talk it closes." - RUMI

It is explained as an experience.I wanted to feel something like this, because I had not and knew that others must have.

The enlightenment of the Buddhist monk...

"There are only two mistakes one can make along

the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting." - Guatama Buddha

The connectedness to everything which the Hindu attempts to practice...

"One who always sees all living entities as spiritual sparks, in quality one with the Lord, becomes a true knower of things. What, then, can be illusion or anxiety for him?"

- Sri Isopanishad

All of these things were parts of a subject I had no apparent experience with. I could not fathom such a dramatic change of my personal condition, that I too would find myself aware, virtuous and in control of the habitual stream of endless thoughts which clouded my mind and judgement. I could not understand how one can completely submit, or even if that was truly necessary, to find the Ultimate Truth. But I knew that there was a certain common theme among the world's religions, and I knew that I had to find out for myself, what it was and how to experience it, or I would have no peace.

I practiced meditations and yogas of all different sorts, starting first with Buddhist traditions, but I quickly became more drawn to the more active styles of the New Age writings I came across. This in turn lead me to reading the Vedas and the other Hindu books. I was now searching for something older, more close to what I believed at the time, was the truth. I decided that the older the religion was, the more probable it was that teaching was less corrupted by later understanding. I was fascinated by the ascetic feats of the Yogis in India, and equally fascinated by the depth of the meditation. I practiced with dilligence. At times, I would call in sick to work, I would cast aside the cares of the world, to simply just meditate and practice my yoga.

When the uneducated westerner thinks of yoga, they think of the very physical yoga seen on television as a stretching excercise. Little do they know that this is actually not just a simple stretching excercise, but that it is designed to distract the body and allow one's mind to let go of the physical realm.

Why was this so important? Letting go of the physical world, mentally allows one to "be free of thought and eventually be accepting of what may come." This is the way a Hindu Siddha yogi explained it to me. And so, I delved deeply into this style of meditation. The stretches were fine and the physical benefits were present, I can not deny that. But what truly drew me in was the breathing techniques and even further, the initiative steps which were only obtainable to those who wanted to submit completely to the teaching and to the Yogi one chose to learn from. You see, eventually in hinduism, one must make a decision to follow a specific guru, if one wants to unlock the rest of the doors to enlightenment. To the Yogi, there is no other way, but total submission. One can not experience the "detachment" of the passions without complete obedience to another. Likewise when the monastic novice in Orthodox Christianity finally becomes a monk, he submits his will to the abbot in obedience to our Lord, for the sake of his own salvation.

Within these eastern traditions I found many strong parallels, but the more I came to the faith of Orthodox Christianity, I realized a vastly different conclusion.

To touch briefly on some of the similarities so that I do not leave the subject un-inspected, the concept of the soul, the nous (inner eye), the human capacity for contemplative abstract reasoning, the understanding that mankind is in a fallen-state, the development of inner awareness that leads to virtuous behavior; all of these are well known in the practices which we are speaking of.

What differs in Orthodoxy, and in the evident outcome of it's practices are a few major points.

1. God is Trinity - this is an understanding that God is relationship and our experience of God stems from an interpersonal relationship with our creator. For the Buddhist & Hindu, God is either completely impersonal on one hand, or completely personal (everything is God) on the other hand.

2. Christianity is not a simple "way of life" or Religion. It is a Church. As Dr. Thomas Mether writes on the subject, "Christianity is not my personal and private salvation through Jesus. As the Body of Christ, it is a deifying process of becoming a communion of persons mutually participating in the Uncreated Energies of the Life of the Trinity and increasingly after its Likeness."

3. For the Orthodox Christian, prayer is practiced for the purpose of our relationship to God. Gnosis is knowledge of God, or more importantly knowledge of our relationship to God, but none of this is important without the understanding that our God is Love. This is why we Christians look at prayer, not as separate from life, as if it is some practice that will help us get to something better, but as intrinsically connected to life. Prayer is life. This is why St. Paul tells us to pray ceaselessly (1 Thes. 5:17). To pray without ceasing is to be in the grace of God and to do God's will. By turning our will over to the one who gave us free-will, we learn how to use it properly, and by doing this we find salvation not only effects us but those whom we relate to as well. Salvation for us, is something we are to work out, "with fear and trembling" (Philippians 2:12).

Hindsight being what it is, I can now see that I fell for a time into the transcendental trap. I had lost my Self into the Impersonal. This is what the Holy Fathers of the early Christian Church warned about. They knew that without a direct relationship with our creator through sacramental communion, and a spiritual father to assist in the efforts & struggles, inner prayer and contemplation can be destructive and lead one into utter self-ambiguity. With this dangerous practice, one can let go of concepts which are intrinsically connected to our being. Knowledge of what is right and wrong, awareness of personal boundaries, inhibitions are a part of our psyche that protect us and are built into us to guide us to God. When we strip these from our personality we become animals, living on passion and instinct. We become less than human, when we are meant to be more than human. What is more is that we become susceptible to spiritual beings which are not of God, the demons and their influences.

Thinking that we are spiritual, because we are practicing something spiritual and seeing some initial results, we become puffed up. We see ourselves making strides in our awareness and control of our thoughts and actions, and therefore we believe that we are achieving Godliness. This, combined with a misunderstanding of our relation to God as personal, we can begin to deceive ourselves into thinking that we in fact are Gods. As the saying goes, "Pride comes before the Fall."

What we tend to miss in our search for truth, and I missed it terribly, is that we are dependent on God. Jesus is my salvation, not only because I believe in Him, but because He is God and brought me to Himself. His actions in life, in his ministry, on the cross, in the tomb, and after He ascended to Heaven... all of this is the answer to redemption and salvation. My spiritual experience is dependent on what God reveals to me and what I do with it. I can do nothing without Him. We may control our lives but God constantly prods us and nudges us and chastises us to assist us on our journey. Hopefully we begin to listen.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When I was in my deepest meditative state, long after the thoughts, the physical awareness, the awareness of spiritual beings besides myself, even the breath itself had passed, I was still aware of myself, not as a body or a psyche but as Being. And as Being I was an empty well, completely devoid of emotion, feeling, thought, action. And yet I could behold. I was aware. And what I was aware of was an infinite otherness, much larger and very separate from myself. At the core of my being was still a sense of other-ness. What I beheld was my emptiness and my separation from God. I was overwhelmed with the sense that if I stayed in this state, I would be alone and devoid of love. This is a terribly fearful awareness. What good am I if I can not experience giving and receiving Love? I was Abyss. I was in my own personal Hell. Completely alone. I was aware that if I had died at that moment, never knowing the truth of God, I would have forever had the experience of being alone.

With all this in mind, it is not my wish to bash any certain religious person, but to distinguish what is truth from what can lead to perdition. I have discovered that there are paths in our world that lead to confusion, others that lead to denial, others that lead to rejection, still others that lead to Hate. All of these paths and more are the snares set before us. By choosing not to know God, to not stay open to learning about truth, we inevitably lose ourselves to distractions and it becomes too late. We die. And when we die we are made aware of our path and how we chose it for ourselves. This can lead one to total despair and alone-ness. What is more is that we are always in the presence of God and His energies are fully experienced, and since the veil is now lifted we find ourselves ashamed, filled with despair and wanting to reject God so that we do not have to feel what we have done. We deny our responsibility. We deny God. We fall into complete debasement, never to forgive ourselves or anyone else.

It is good then to understand that the God of the Christians varies greatly from the utter loss of self found in the Eastern meditative religions. Meditation and Contemplation are practiced with humility and a sense of otherness in Christianity. Prayer is a crying out to God, the creator of all, for assistance because we are aware of our debased existence. The Christian prays not to find salvation within himself but to ask the God of Salvation to come in to him and live through him. He prays (ON BEHALF OF ALL AND FOR ALL) as a way of communing with the one who is beyond all knowing. He communes then with the infinite because of his mortality. In fact we pray with extreme humility and reverence to our creator that He would allow us in our mortality, to partake of something immortal. What is more is that He wants to give it to us freely. "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abundant in mercy." (Psalms 103:8)

My entrance into the Orthodox Church has afforded me something which I never received in my experiences with other practices. It has given me a freedom to make decisions with the knowledge that God is allowing me to. This is comforting. The Christian relies heavily on his faith and his faith becomes the obedience necessary for God to do the work. We are not alone in our struggle and the universe is not impersonal, but super-personal. Our experience with life and God are a balance of the finite and the infinite. In Christ we have our hope, our example and our strength. This is unique to the Christian faith and I would never trade it for anything.

In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, One God. Amen. +++

Podvig...

2011-08-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

I chastise my body and bring it into subjection: lest perhaps when I have preached to others I myself should be castaway" (I Cor. 9:27)

A word I learned early on in my conversion, Podvig. It denotes a special emotion. As the icon above states, it is extreme humility. But this is not the type of self-mortification that brings one to feelings of self-pity. There is no sense of loathing. No wasting away in any mire of despair. Podvig is holy. A podvig is a struggle one has taken on to fight those passions that raise the self above God or below it's own natural state.
Man must be in balance with himself. He is a physical being and a soul. He has what the Ancient Greeks called, "Nous" or an inner eye, which can perceive the ramifications of choosing a certain struggle or allowing life to give you struggles. For there is a choice. This is not to say that life will not throw you a curve-ball, as I have come to call them, but implies that we can, and if a Christian we must, choose for ourselves a higher form of living. We accept our struggle, separating ourselves from the world and it's pleasures. With this perspective we can know, whole-heartedly, that suffering can lead one to humility, and humility unto God.

Our lives here on earth are promised to be full of pain. We are told in the Christian church, that by confessing Christ we will ultimately suffer as the world hates God and His goodness. Our Savior himself ascended the cross, for as God He was not forced upon it, and mortified His own flesh, sacrificing Himself on our behalf. We are ask to do nothing less than to take up our own cross and follow Him. None of our Holy Scriptures promise an earthly life free from pain. Being a Christian means being a raw realist, that does not cower at the face of life. We are to live a life, loving even our enemies as they condemn us. There is no manly task like the Christian walk, and little podvigs can assist us in being prepared for the call of our Lord.
Fasting, abstinence, long prayers, almsgiving, spending time with the sick, the dying, the children... all are podvigs and all are necessary to the life of a Christian.

According to Orthodox Christian teaching, a monk is no better than a married man. Both have struggles to face. Both have weaknesses to pray to the Lord about. Both have opportunities to learn about self-sacrifice and unconditional love. One is not put before the other in relation to God. We give a certain respect to monks, deacons, priests and bishops, calling them Father. This is not to be understood in that we are somehow lower than them. In fact they are servants. But in the Christian church we understand things differently. There is always a paradox. Those who are last on Earth, will be first in Heaven. The meek shall inherit the Earth. As we acknowledge ourselves as sinners, and try not to judge others, we inevitably begin to see all others as better than us. We let go of our presumptions that we are not better than someone else and therefore give proper respect to the ones who serve God and us in form as well as fashion. All are made to serve God. All are made that we would magnify Him by our life. All are made to embody the living Christ and be a testimony of the Gospel. Therefore calling someone who is designated a certain position, someone whom we would go to for spiritual nourishment, Father or Mother. Furthermore, someone who prays for us diligently from the day of our baptism is called our God-parent. They are caring for our soul and wish to see us grow in Christ. Therefore it is important that the whole family is considered before any task is taken on. Something as simple as a desire to go out for a few hours and enjoy an evening with my wife, can be a monumental task, requiring the acceptance and self-discipline of all involved. Marriage is a podvig. Marriage is an opportunity to sacrifice the self for someone else, and for a greater cause than one can grasp by one's self. It is not an understatement to say that making this type of sacrifice can lead one to salvation. Of course both husband and wife must be in agreement that they are in it for the same thing. Marriage is a special arrangement, similar to the life of a monk and his abbot, where one is in obedience to the other. In marriage the roles always change. The husband can not always be in the role of the head in the relationship. He must be versatile enough to accept when it is time to listen to his wife and lovingly acknowledge her voice as equal.

As the duty of a priest in our homes, we husbands must find that opportunity, not to Lord over our wives and children, but to serve them and bless them with our time, our interest, and our prayers. We are to gently guide them in Spirit and in Truth, leading our family as a shepherd does, with tender firmness. We must lead the example with our walk and be solid when they need a foundation. This is the life I choose. This type of life is a podvig.