On the Theme of Relationships

Mumford & Sons : Little Lion Man

I recently heard a song by Mumford & Sons which can only be called the theme song to my life. Why? Well, I'll explain:

First, the Title : Little Lion Man

I have always considered my temperament akin to a lion's; even born in the astrological sign of Leo (not that I believe in that sort of stuff), and the fact that as a Rasta I was known as Judah Lion by most people for years. This name was given to me by someone else coincidentally. 

Then there is the Banjo and Mandolin which play at a rapid pace, keeping tempo for the rest of the song
which break-necks until the chorus. Bluegrass instruments have always had an appeal to me. They resound in my heart like a call back to some distant ancestor from Ireland or England, living in some remote Californian settlement during the Gold Rush era. I'm not sure exactly why, but I've always felt in my heart a certain twinge for the music of my forefathers.

Lastly, the lyrics, which lately have taken on a different meaning but still within the same context as before... 

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems 
That you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really messed it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my...

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble Little Lion Man,
You'll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days Biting your own neck

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really messed it up this time
Didn't I, my dear? (x2)

Didn't I, my dear?

Ahhhhh......

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really messed it up this time
Didn't I, my dear? (x2)

Didn't I, my dear?

I could comment on how I relate to each line in every verse and chorus, but I won't.
I am a terrible sinner, who has been known to cause great agony to the ones closest to me, throughout my life. I have struggled to understand this side of myself, which causes chaos in the hearts of my loved ones. It's not like I seek to hurt, but by my lack of action, my lack of attention to the little things, consideration for the ones I love in the small moments where I have the opportunity to do something to show them I love them; in this I am gravely in error. 

Something I have come to know about my personality, (a side I do not like to admit), is that I am terrible at acknowledging the feelings of others. This lack of empathy makes them feel invalidated, and even after I notice it, most of the time I allow it to persist.

Instead of defending, I will gladly admit all this about myself. But how do I change it? What is it that I must do? Prayer is not enough. It is said that God does His best work in those who are willing to cooperate, and so I am willing. I pray that I can be a better husband, father, friend, coworker, employee, son, brother, on a regular basis. 

My wife recently said to me that she never asked me to admit my flaws, but that she needed me to consider her more. At first hearing, I found this a strange comment. But at further examination I am discovering that admitting one's own character defects is only a personal observance to be carried out for one's self; this is a much needed yet selfish exercise. 

What my wife was looking for was actual results that proved that I consider her. Now here's the kicker... Was she looking for it with expectations to find it? Were her expectations realistic and grounded in things I have done in the past? Or were they in ways which I would not meet anyway, because I have never been the type of person to do those things which she expected?

I don't have the answers. I am hopelessly unromantic and terribly selfish. All I feel I can do at this point is pray that the Lord will enlighten me, not only to the awareness of my flaws, but how to change them into strengths. I am a pitiful soul who needs much prayer, so if you read this, please pray. A man in this much sorrow, so deeply affecting the lives of others and inadvertently causing pain, is a sad, sad case for a human being. 

Uuuugh! Time for some patristic wisdom from my spiritual father. Any other Priests out there who happen to read this are gratefully welcome to enter a comment below.